i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
