The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
