White coat. Heels.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
