Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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