Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
