insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
