I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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