I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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