I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
