Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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