My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
