I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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