sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
