I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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