she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
