Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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