god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
