My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
