I wish I could teleport
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
