i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
