I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Also, beer. Big fan.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
