sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
