he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
