My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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