Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
