I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
tell your sister to shave her snatch
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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