Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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