Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Randomize
