The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
