If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
