Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
