I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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