she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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