Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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