Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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