I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
