i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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