So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
