I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
