ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
