weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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