What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
