My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
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come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
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I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
last night I used snow as a chaser
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