mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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