im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
