Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
