If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
