Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
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