i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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