Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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