That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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