You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
