I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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