this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
