Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
