Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
BRING THE BAGELS
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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