matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
being pregnant is like rehab
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
