U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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