last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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