I think my fart just growled at me.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
