I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
